November 2024 - Doing it all, part II

I’ve written about this topic before, but as we stand poised before the holiday season, many of us are assessing what is currently working in life, and what is not. The things we really hoped would take flight, and the things which crashed and burned. I imagine that many other parents are in this position as well.

Recently I stopped piano lessons, viola lessons, and orchestra for my youngest child. He was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago, but with the transition into fifth grade, his behaviors have spiraled out of control, constantly disrupting classroom and group activities. He’s always been intense; since infancy, he has displayed big feelings. I mean, he is my child. To complicate all of this, he’s really, really smart. Now add a dose of low self-esteem, constant dysregulation, and zero distress tolerance, and stick it all into the body of a large 10-year-old boy. To say that this fall has been difficult is an understatement.

Fortunately we are blessed to have many caring adults and medical providers in our lives, helping to support us through this season. The hardest part has been turning off the judgy voices inside of my own head, telling me that I’m just giving into my child, he’s going to get worse, he’s on a pathway to drugs and alcohol and a life of petty crime. There’s so much FEAR, coupled with frustration as we impatiently wait for his next med check. And, of course, that I let my child quit his music lessons.

I’m a pianist and a teacher.. My kids are supposed to be exemplary musicians, right?

There’s a big difference between knowing what you could have used as a young person to help you arrive at your current place in life, and having to work it out yourself. I learned so much more from my foibles and mistakes than I ever learned from a teacher or mentor telling me “do it this way” and following their advice exactly. I guess it’s the way I’m wired, but I'm also guessing I’m not alone in this. We want so badly to help our children avoid the pain, struggle, and suffering we went through, or provide them with all of the things we didn’t have as kids. When it doesn’t turn out the way we hoped or expected, it’s hard not to take it personally. But he has to figure it out himself.

So right now I’m reminded that ultimately we all want what’s best for our “exclamation point” child. Whatever we’ve been doing is not working, and it’s time to regroup and figure out a different plan. And that’s OK. Sometimes I have students start piano lessons with me and we realize it’s not the right time, or I’m not the right teacher for them. Again, difficult not to take personally, but thank goodness there are so many other amazing piano teachers out there!

There is also no shame in scaling back and saying “this didn’t work.” It’s not quitting, it’s reorienting.

On a related note, I just registered for an online course through the Francis Clark Center (a not-for-profit institute for piano pedagogy) entitled “The Inclusive Teaching Course: Teaching Piano to Students Who Are Special Learners.” I figure that even if I have students who don’t fall on the spectrum of neurodiversity, it will only enhance my teaching to learn strategies to help all students succeed at the piano. Looking forward to it!