As a piano teacher I talk to a lot of parents, all of whom are doing the best they can to raise well-rounded, kind, hardworking human beings. I also talk to other private music teachers who observe many of the same things I do - kids are expected (or expect themselves) to be great at everything, they’re overwhelmed, and they’re exhausted. There also seems to be a general misunderstanding about what it means to support your child along the way. The belief that young kids know what they like, should pick and choose their activities, gravitate towards the things they are naturally good at, and enjoy the process before they’ve fully matured is simply not the case. For my piano studio, this manifests in the belief that a child will practice their piano assignment because they’re doing it for fun, and they said they wanted to do it so they’ll be self-motivated to do it on their own. This rarely happens.

The kids who once begged for lessons and couldn’t be pulled away from the piano are unfortunately the ones who often quit first. As soon as there is structure, expectations, and a method, it becomes “hard” and “boring.” Exhausted, overcommitted parents (myself included) choose their battles, and many times the first thing to go is practicing an instrument. The child doesn’t make progress, exacerbating the problem, and soon they’ve lost interest.

One of the reasons I expect daily practice from students is that I’ve seen firsthand what can happen with a child who isn’t an exceptionally talented musician, but they practice regularly and come to lessons consistently. Progress happens. It may be slow depending on their interest level, but they still make progress! When that daily practice factor is removed, they’re left with little to build upon other than touching the piano once a week for less than thirty minutes. Imagine if you were trying to learn to read and you only got thirty minutes a week with someone to help you. Music is that complex. It’s a language. Humans have to be taught how to read and write it; we all “speak” the language of music, but just like with our spoken language, it takes effort and practice to become an eloquent speaker and effective communicator. Time must be invested.

My experience with my own kids reflects beginning lessons when they were quite young (4-5 years old). Despite busy schedules and other interests, they were expected to practice regularly, NOT perfectly, and they kept showing up to their ensembles. Sometimes showing up is the hardest part and you just don’t feel like it. Piano study teaches kids to show up for themselves even when they don’t want to, and they need to experience some of that discomfort in order to grow. It’s not fun in the moment, but fast forward twenty years and the person who quit when things got hard is the same one who blames their parents for letting them quit.

I decide in my mid-thirties that I wanted to run. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done - voluntarily show up to run a few miles every day, not because I necessarily wanted to or enjoyed it (yet) but I wanted to learn to trust myself to follow through with something. Commitment. I’m not an incredibly gifted runner, but I showed up and I did the work and now seven marathons later, I can’t imagine a life without running almost every single day. Athletics are similar - kids grow up with a basketball or a soccer put into their hands and it’s just part of what they do. I wasn’t an athlete and my parents weren’t athletes at all, but I learned. You can learn too, even if you know nothing about piano or music in general. We can all do hard things and lead our kids by example.

Do you have any thoughts or feedback to share? I’d love to hear from you, even if you disagree with some (or all) of the things I’ve said.

February 2024 - Doing It All